Exploring Coercive Control & the Silent Storm of Covert Abuse
God met me on the beach today.
I went for a walk and came face to face with a storm building in the southwest. The wind had begun carving ripples across the water while lifting dry sand into a low sandstorm that relentlessly pelted my legs as I made my way toward the shoreline.
I didn't mind it. I knew that once I reached the water's edge, the sand would settle.
I actually enjoy walking into the resistance. I've learned to begin my walk against the wind so that if I become tired, it carries me home instead of forcing me to fight it in exhaustion.
I love the solitude of storm walks. The tourists leave. The sea becomes wild and alive, roaring louder than the wind itself.
Most importantly, I've learned to watch the wildlife. If the birds are still fishing, chattering, and circling overhead, there is no immediate danger.
But when the birds suddenly disappear... when the shoreline grows strangely quiet... that silence becomes the loudest warning of all. If the birds and even the sharks begin moving away from the same dark horizon, I don't question them. I simply go the direction they're going.
I've learned to read the room.
Why Do I Feel Like I’m Going Crazy?
There came a point in my marriage when I could feel that same static in the air. I couldn't explain it.
Nothing looked dramatic enough from the outside. There wasn't always yelling. There wasn't always obvious conflict.
There was simply a constant, growing awareness that something was profoundly wrong.
At the same time, I was receiving another message from the world around me: Forgive. Be patient. Work on your marriage. In a healthy relationship, those are beautiful, life-giving biblical principles.
But sustained coercive control is not a healthy marriage.
The problem wasn't Scripture. The problem was that someone actively using manipulation and coercive control often becomes very convincing to the very people trying to save the marriage.
Most therapists, counselors, and even courts are trained to help reconcile conflict. They are not trained to recognize sustained coercive control. Those are two very different situations.
The Exhaustion of Living Behind Closed Doors
I spent years feeling angry that no one seemed to understand what I was living. Today, I have far more compassion.
How could they understand something they had never been taught to recognize? How could I? It sounded unbelievable, even to me.
Most of it happened behind closed doors. Occasionally there would be a public crack in the mask. Even today, when I witness one of those moments in the world, I freeze.
Other people tilt their heads, think, "That seemed a little odd," and move on. I don't. My body remembers a traumatic story they never lived.
How do you explain years of mental instability without sounding like you're nitpicking every single conversation? You can't, because it isn't about one conversation. It's every day, not just one isolated incident.
It's the cumulative, crushing effect of living inside an environment where your nervous system never truly rests.
Understanding Coercive Control in Christian Marriages
This is why I don't want to focus solely on the outward tactics. Every person who uses coercive control employs different combinations of behaviors. It might be:
Anger and explosive outbursts
Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation
Weaponized religion and scripture
Financial control and isolation
Silent treatments, charm, and deflection
The tactics vary. The internal effect, however, is remarkably consistent.
The True Measure: Coercive control is not merely defined by what another person does to you. It is revealed by what prolonged exposure to them slowly does to your mind, body, and spirit.
The Internal Audit: Signs of Covert Emotional Abuse
Forget your spouse for just a moment. Look at yourself. Compared to a few years ago:
Are you calmer, or are you significantly more anxious?
Are you indecisive? Struggling to make basic choices out of fear of making the "wrong" choice or facing negative reactions?
Do you apologize constantly, even when you don't actually know what you did wrong?
Do you endlessly replay conversations in your mind trying to figure out how you could have prevented them from becoming upset?
Have you begun hiding perfectly harmless, ordinary things simply to avoid an explosive reaction?
Do you feel like you are always holding your breath, waiting for the next emotional storm?
Have you become isolated from your loved ones or increasingly scatterbrained?
Are you chronically exhausted, hypervigilant, depressed, or physically anxious?
Do you feel as though you are drowning in plain sight without anyone noticing?
Do you feel as though you live in a constant state of entrapment, a loss of equality, or a diminished state?
Do you find that your personal space or independent choices are routinely disrespected?
Do you no longer recognize the strong, vibrant person you used to be?
If someone had described your life exactly as it is today five years ago... would you have believed them?
Trusting Your God-Given Instincts
Like the proverbial frog placed into slowly warming water, we rarely notice the temperature rising while we're busy trying to survive. Often, this transition happens gradually through subtle autonomy loss—sometimes called boundary shifting—rather than an abrupt, loud shift, making it incredibly difficult to recognize from the inside.
Instead, we assume we must be the problem. We think, “Maybe if I loved better, forgave more, became more patient, or finally changed enough...”
Friend, if you are responsible for your choices, your self-control, and your character—so are they.
No amount of your patience can produce another person's self-control. No amount of your forgiveness can force another person's true repentance. No amount of your love can make someone choose personal integrity. Those choices belong entirely to them.
God never calls us to become responsible for another person's free-will choices.
If you feel deep confusion... if you feel isolated... if you find yourself living in constant, daily hypervigilance... if your body keeps telling you something is terribly wrong while your mind keeps talking you out of it... do not ignore what your mind and body are trying to tell you.
God designed your body and mind to recognize danger long before your words can fully explain it. The birds don't argue with the weather. They respond to it. They don't wait for lightning to strike to prove the storm is real.
