Just Another Night: A Memory From Within The Storm

All night, the sensory assault and sleep deprivation had gone on for hours. The abuse was mostly psychological, verbal, sensory, but sometimes, the worst times it became physical or worse institutional. Honestly, I never understood this constant battle. It often felt as though we were simply circling whatever was tormenting his mind. It could last for hours or stretch into days, and the quiet moments felt fewer and farther between.

Make no mistake I was not perfect. In this environment how could anyone be? What saddens me now is how hard I was on myself for being pushed to react. My words now belong to God, but back then that is the part of me that HD could truly trigger. And it grieved me to lose control of my voice and my words.

Eventually, I had nothing left. Nothing I tried seemed to help.

How do you surrender someone else's anxious, tormented, angry spirit? Stillness? Grounding? Rebuking it? (I simply didn't know, and to be honest I still don't.)

I couldn't take his thoughts captive. I couldn't make peace where there was no willingness to receive it.

Even in my exhaustion, I tried speaking life, gratitude, and trust.

When all else failed this evening, I finally said, "God wins, HD."

I remember surrendering to the circumstance. Some might think surrender would have felt like despair or giving up hope. It wasn't. It was letting go of the illusion that I could carry something that had never belonged to me.

I said it out loud—to him, to myself, and to God.

"God wins."

At first, I repeated it because I didn't believe it. How could I? The turmoil had begun that afternoon and carried on until three, four, maybe five in the morning.

Then something shifted. 

I wasn't standing on my circumstances anymore. I was standing on God's promise of eternity. This could not—would not—win that battle. In that exhausted moment the truth hit me like a wave of relief. He does ultimately win. The chaos wanted my attention. It wanted me to believe it was ultimate. It wanted to pull my eyes away from the One to whom I was anchored.

But that anchor does not let us go.

Even when we loosen our grip, He keeps calling us back to Himself.

No matter what is taken from us here on earth, Heaven cannot be taken. If this is the night you find yourself clinging to those same words, know this: there is another side. There is another life waiting for you. Hold on to Him. One day, you will look back and realize He carried you through every hour you thought you couldn't survive.